i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
