First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
