if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
