I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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