literally had 100 drinks last night.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
