oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
