apparently the secret to your success is patron
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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