He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
