I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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