I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
