just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My vagina just clenched in fear
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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