I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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