I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
