We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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