I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
