saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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