Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
