I accidentally had phone sex last night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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