note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
