Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
