I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
