The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
