I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
