The beer is more important than you right now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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