If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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