Just fell off a train. Bad.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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