plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
