i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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