if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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