Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
