you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Randomize