dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
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Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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