dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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