Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
