The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Lo siento on account of my penis...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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