hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
