How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
