wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
