I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
