he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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