bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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