Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
