She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
