moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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