Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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