I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
