the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
