I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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