If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
