we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
