Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
