Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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