god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
