i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
