So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
