I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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