remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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