If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
