It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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