i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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