Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
