is your mom at the bar?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
