Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
