omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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